Launching a personal blog is a daunting action. Most writing usually uncovers pieces of the author’s core, but no matter what approach to manipulate a particular picture of how you want people to perceive you, the truth of who you truly are still glimmers through. I could have chosen not advertise my story to the public, bypassing the announcement to friends and some acquaintances. They only would’ve found out about it if they are avid internet surfers or if in ten years this website boomed. I thought about it long and hard before I set on this bold move of being a little more transparent than the lock-down mode I’d been settling into. Right before I shared it, I called a family member and Husband for opinions. I was nervous about the repercussions. Reporting information and/or stories always create an emotional response, opinions, or critics. To make this work, I knew it would require a bit of private exposition unless it was purely factual. And well, it’s not.
But let me tell you, I don’t regret the decision. The conversation with Husband went something like: We know the situation. We’re handling it. You’re not planning to live a hidden life of illness. But you’ve been a closed book, even with friends. It felt like a secret. It even meant rejecting sympathy when I honestly needed it. Everytime I had to explain someone I’ve been less social or MIA because I was sick, it was like admitting a horrible shame. My positive outlook toward cope was limited so long as I postponed a genuine explanation, instead of letting it fester on the tip of my tongue.
I said a little prayer and hit send on notifications to all, rather than to complete strangers. Every muscle temporarily froze. So soon after tracking the readers’ traffic chart that this website generates, I stopped checking it every two minutes. Slowly, the tension in my shoulders released and my lungs remembered to expand deeper. It played out almost like a confession. I didn’t have to go into detail; I didn’t have to go over this long saga of what’s been leading up to this day for so long, but I embraced my reality fully. By the next day, I was catching up with friends that I had reduced contact with for fear of mine and their reaction to this news.
This week – health-wise – has been stupid; however, I’ve been spunkier and more productive than usual. Not necessarily more physically active, but mentally and emotionally. Without the burden of trying to conceal that I’m not the firecracker I once was, I was free to talk about other things going on in life and smile easier; despite subtle aches roaming in the body. I felt lighter and lighter as I stopped giving the problem so much attention and focusing on relationships and goals.
Last night, I watched Knight and Day on DVD. At some point in the movie, Cameron Diaz is administered a truth serum. It was some experimental technology that made her laugh and enjoy spitting out thoughts on the forefront. I thought to myself, “This is what it felt like this weekend”. No, it is not the Percocet talking. The half- tablet is not that powerful. I exposed myself a little bit, although of course, just a few aspects of life, not all. I reconnected with friends. I’m doing it through one of my favorite mediums: writing. And I received an overwhelming understanding and awesome response. It’s off my chest. I feel I’ve that I’ve man-handled a huge part of the challenge life has thrown at us.
All this is very mushy and layered. Normally, I would prefer to twist this into some form of sarcastic humor, but as long as I’m in the spirit of motivation, I’m gonna suck it up and continue sounding like a self-help book for another paragraph. This might be a personal experience, but like I’ve said before, I share to relate. I hope other people, especially younguns or withdrawn ones who are very aware of this critical and harsh world, can find ways to express themselves. Keeping things bottled in only create stress, a confused heart, a conflicted mind, and constipation. Not out of proportion either. Listing every emotion on a Facebook status is NOT healthy. There is a balance of knowing who, when, how, and how much, to share. But it’s so liberating, and even surprising, how being genuine and truthful can grow confidence. It took me a while to come clean, but now I have a buzzing giddiness to brag about, and more space to welcome more challenges.