Ands, Ifs, and Butts.

My aim is to post every day. Something new and interesting; and realistically, sometimes boring and incoherent. And it would even make sense if I chose to adhere only to business days, excluding the weekends.  I reckon there might even come a time where I can’t post for a week or so because that’s life in all its realistic glory.  But as I’ve mentioned before, I do work full time, have a home to keep up, and I do have a crippling disease*.

*This is me: milkin it.

Being chronically ill, I get get-out-of-jail free cards.  As exciting as being in prison might (free cable, free meals, free health care, free college education), no one wants to have to need the freebie cards (except narcissists, and that’s a topic for a day of exceptionally high tolerance).  I would give my arm tit to have my health back, but as long as I have a debilitating tribulation in front of me, behind me, and nagging all around me, I’m going to find – not the positive aspects (I think it’s unnatural and cheap cognitive dissonance to say there is anything positive about having an illness)- but the ‘beneficial’ aspects.  The pros.  Because there are some.

This weekend, I had a few epiphanous moments where I realized I have a new power.   It could be used for the sheer goodness of truth.  Or for a very practical evil. Mwahahaha.

Yes, there will be plenty of exaggeration and exploiting of delicate situations here. Don’t get soft of me.

And just cause I don’t look sick, doesn’t mean I’m not feeling bad, so if you ever catch yourself wondering if I’m really experiencing shortness of breath or  jumping on a trampoline while you phone me on the celly, you’ll just have to take my word for it.  But how will you ever know? You just won’t. Insert mischievous grin here.

(All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. The purpose of this piece is solely to entertain.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

-To the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles who dispenses handicapped parking.  (I don’t know if I’m eligible but I really want one.):

“The doctor said my knees need maximized rest or it’ll aggravate the inflammation.”  Whispering to self, “And the closer I park to Sephora, the more chances I have of cleaning them out of their limited edition color pallets.”

-To friends on theme nights:

“I would love to dress up as Chewbacca to complete your cast, but to be honest, that nylon material will break me out in hives.”

-The invitees who want you to bring that signature dish that you can’t even eat:

“Nothing will make me more happy than bringing that 14-layer-dip that I always slave over for your parties, but I don’t know what’s up with the weather because my knuckles are like glass today.”

-To the ones who are STILL freakishly enthusiastic about the Electric Slide:

“No excitement allowed. Doctor’s orders.”

-Another purse,  jewelry, or tupperware party:

“I’m pretty sure I’m severely allergic to (cows)(precious stones)(colorful lids)(pick your own, be creative).  It’s best to be preventative.”

-When volunteers are called to help with after-event cleaning (this exception is actually increasingly true):

“All my limbs are on fire right now, but I will be more than glad to help you supervise the other laborers to make sure they’re not slacking!”

-To the bar buddies who insist you race them at Irish Car Bombs:

“It’s just be embarrassing for me to smoke you.  Anyway, I ended up in the hospital last time I beat the record.”

-To bosses expecting you to be highly ambitious about raising the bar, no matter what pay grade:

“Brain Fog. Go ahead, check WebMD.”

– To the husband:

Oh honey, not tonight. My hips are feeling a bit wonky.  (I was talking about moving the furniture around. Get your head out of the gutter!)

The truth of the matter is, I’m exhausted and have been longing bedtime since the moment my alarm blasted my eardrum off this morning.  I’m not a victim, we all have nights where we don’t regenerate new brain cells.  Thankfully, I had enough stamina to make dinner and for this I am grateful, because a lack of preparation when avoiding gluten means I had rice cakes for lunch.  It was either that, or zonking out at my desk.  Husband is back in town and probably more depleted than I am, but he’s helping with the cat litter, and other things that I would usually prefer to take care of, so he is Prince Charming tonight.

In regards to blogging, I’ve had a lot of scattered ideas and have saved many unfinished blog entries as drafts, hoping that my energy picks up sometime this week before its over, that I may wrap them up with a bow.  I had set out to write everyday because I truly do have many ideas, but damn this conflicting skeleton and its mushy contents, it’s resisting.

Some entries in the making:

– More helpful books for a nice, chemical-free home for the women who hate to clean but still prioritize cleanliness (I wouldn’t hate it if it didn’t wipe me out.  It’s quite the stress relief method).

-Two wonderful exercise regimes that will lift any butt and lengthen all arms for women who need to stay in line and hate exercise.  More importantly keep your blood flowing, brain active, and organs pumping.  (I miss the gym terribly but it is not an option right now, however, it is necessary find a way to move and claim body parts before gravity does.)

-How I feared becoming my Central American mother only to find that I absorbed many of her most useful (yet frightening) housewifing skills, extreme frugality, and basic recipes.  That has pretty much set the tone for me and Husband, aiding us in our beginning, my new-found food sensitivities, and the age old Mars vs. Venus dilemmas. It will include some of her recipes that have made dinnertime a delicious breeze. Mommas are amazing creatures. I will never be an amazing creature. Haha, Get it?

-Another page with detailed descriptions of the best blogs out there for a simpleton girl, trying to be a lady, a temptress, a savvy housewife, a friend, a sister, a little bit wiser and more accepting, more balanced, and just as ridiculous.

-The holistic treatment that is slowly, but surely helping me fight and control the wolf disease.

-One of my favorite cake recipes, modified. Because living without cake is not okay.

For tonight, I accept defeat and will use any remaining energies on tidying up the kitchen to a tolerable condition and get ready for early bed to make spoons.

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2 Comments

Filed under Housewifing, Random, Under the Weather

2 responses to “Ands, Ifs, and Butts.

  1. Naner

    Woman, reading this blog has tickled me. Loved it!

  2. Thanks Naner. But I’m beginning to think I talk too much. They’re so long. Ha.

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