Cheese. Holy Cheese. Cheese and Rice. I want it.
I certainly don’t need the added hormones, natural occurring and lab enhanced opiods, indigestible lactase, and cancer inciting casein. But oh how I violently crave the gooey mess and sodium that no plant on earth can provide. When I die, I hope it’s choking on an endless pizza cheese strand.
See, on the Beauty Detox diet and many similar reads, they warn against detoxing too fast. Eliminating too many foods at once can starve the body and upset the natural order of addictions that had created part of our diseased homeostasis. Add one too many large green smoothies, no artificial sugars, no dairy, no gluten, no caffeine, no chemicals…although healthy, is too much for the body to handle at once and toxins can begin to recirculate in the system, not being eliminated fast enough.
Since I got my new toy, the omnipotent Blendtec, I’ve been blending everything, not just my greens. I had about a week of liquids. Sticking to veganism is also easier since you can make anything creamy on my nifty high speed blender. Oh, that double edged demon!
The result: the last week I’ve been a terrible little monster. Mornings are headachy, dizzy, nauseous, I feel odd, feverish, twitchy, hot flashes, straight up menopausal, and I want to go around flicking people on the forehead and giving them wedgies. Some people even get rashes, acne breakouts, minor infections, can’t poop, throw up, or become pyromaniacs. This is somewhat of a good sign; it means it’s working, but it can be very intolerable. On top of that I sometimes takes fungal detox pills (to help with lupus symptoms) and that starves the candida we all contain in our system, which feeds sugars. I angered the beast by depriving it and it also releases toxins or some story like that. I have not given my body time to adapt to the new detox principles. I was mean to myself.
And then Kimberly Detox girl posts on her blog, The 25 Unhealthiest Junk Foods you should never eat. I have no problem with her logic. I believe what she says is true. Some people believe in moderation. I don’t. If its bad, its bad for you no matter how clever your justifications are (which I’m a master of). If I eat a cupcake, I chalk it down to human folly and weakness, not to “you deserve that treat”. We don’t deserve DNA wrecking food agents. What I have a problem with is that she posts the most scrumptious pictures of foods that you’ve worked so hard to erase from your mind…and then tells you to go wash down a green smoothie and chew on fermented cabbage! Is she psychotic??? I’ve been muting commercials to forget pizza exists and reading nutrition labels to reason that a french fries should not have 14 ingredients. Bypassing coupons and missing sales to shield my eyes from clips of burritos. Seriously considering self-flagellation to mimick the suffering of giving up silky, creamy cheese. What she does is barbaric! Tell it for what it is, sister. Plants are nutritious and fuel our bodies, but don’t tell me a chemical laced cheesecake can stand up to kale kabobs…. I’m sorry Kimster. So sorry. I didn’t mean that. I truly and honestly love eating clean and natural. I’m just going to curl up in my big mac and cry, I mean big bed.
Well, I’ve slowed down on the liquids, adding more solids, especially the complex carbs. I will sparingly add tiny pieces of meats every few days, once a day (believe it or not, with my weak stomach muscles, I feel it appreciates something to masticate, no matter how much I dislike the idea of eating flesh postmortem ). I will include a bit of fructose until I’m ready to increase to a new level of health. Otherwise, I may as well make a date with the judge, because I will go on a machine gun massacre in a playground.
Spouting off has therapeutically talked me back down to terms with my decision to avoid dairy. I just don’t do well with that junk. My skin, my intestines, my energy levels, my unstable alter ego. I’m balancing the crazy by drinking some organic green tea which will appease my flare of ornery toxins, but prevent me from going down the mozzarella spiral. It’s natural caffeine is a minor evil compared to going to town on cheese sticks, cheese fries, cheese cubes, cheese rounds, cheese soup. You can’t fix the whole barn in one day. (Whoa. I am not sure where that farm comment came from).
Let me tell you the safe eats I made to prevent a melt down. (Ooh..cheese melt). It was so surprisingly good, it’s illegal. Instant gratification, without deviating too far from clean foods).
Gluten Free and Vegan One Minute Chocolate Cake
What the what? Oh yes, it’s true. And I was shocked how well it worked. Tastes amazing with just the right amount of indulgence. And since it’s one serving, you can’t accidentally overeat or take the rest of the huge store-bought devilish cake out of the garbage and pick out the untouched parts. (I’ve never done that…..)
As I said, it doesn’t count as a cookie. Though I’ve already admitted to you that I’m a master of justification, there is a reason that my No-No Mission (No Cookies, No Pizza) doesn’t involve all categories of sweets. You’d have to ask my alter ego why (The Little Fat Girl inside of me). And she’s to hungry to talk right now. But mostly, it’s because that pair are my gateway drugs. Eating gluten free cake or a vegan milkshake will satisfy a craving. Period. Dunzo. The No-No’s will trigger an emotional history-soaked schizophrenia freak show of gluttony. Pizza and cookies has been people all over the world to their demise!
Aaaanyway, on to the recipe.
- 1 tablespoon plus 2 tsp cocoa powder
- 3 tablespoons spelt flour (or white, or even coconut or peanut flour) (I used brown rice flour)
- 1/8 tsp salt
- 2 tsp sugar (I used coconut sugar. Total of 8gms of sugars. 7 begins to affect the glycemic index and I drank some nopal blend before to control the spike)
- 1/4 tsp baking powder
- 1 stevia packet (or 1 more tablespoon sugar)
- 1 tablespoon coconut oil or vegetable oil
- 3 tablespoons milk of choice (I used almond milk)
- 1/4 tsp pure vanilla extract
For frosting I didn’t use her recipe. Click Chocolate Covered Katie’s link if you want it. It was the same coconut butter base though.
I used coconut butter, stevia, and soaked cashews. Okay okay, I added some agave. Sue me and take me for all I’m worth. My defense attorney will go to show this only increases the number of cacti varieties I ate in one sitting and since when is eating cactus bad for you?
Coconut Cashew Frosting
- 15 oz of Coconut Butter
- 1/3 cup Full Fat Canned Coconut Milk – 14 oz
- Coconut Milk (carton)
- (Approx 1 Cup of Raw Cashews (soaked and rinsed well to remove toxins) (Kimberly disapproves of cashews)
- Liquid Stevia
- Agave (Optional)
Blend in a high speed blender. Feel it out to taste. Simplistic directions. I’m no kitchen expert.
About 20 oz. Enough for a regular cake. Reduce portions for this tiny adorable cake and have some extra frosting dipped in strawberries.
Now excuse me, I’m going to go slurp on my green junk cause I’m actually craving some right about now…