Tag Archives: mars and venus

“Mawwage is what bwings us togwether today….”

In memory of my (not dead) husband:

Mawwage is awesome.  Some of the time.  Most of the time. Am I right?

via dailymail.co.uk

It’s been a year and a half.  I still consider us a pair of newlyweds.  I’m still madly in love and surprised at how in love you could be with someone you want to kill a few times a week.

I reckon since this blog is about being recently married and how to deal with so many changes all at once, it was due time to talk about man versus women.

If you’ve kept up with my mini-saga or read the bio, I’ve mentioned how immediately after marriage I – we- began to deal with serious health problems.  This causes a lot of conflict and confusion for a couple who is supposed to be  locked in the bedroom, high on endorphins and in honeymoon stage.  Even during the honeymoon, we had to make modifications due to my escalating symptoms.  Coming home to a surreal reality of problems is not for the weak.  While a women feels, “Thank God I have a good strong man to help me through this rough time”, a man is most likely feeling, “This is not fair! We’re supposed to be having the time of our lives.”  Though a wife still acknowledges the unfairness of it all, a man’s need to fix something he cannot can really test him, especially early in a marriage before either one has settled themselves into a role of new responsibilities.

This is not limited to couples with illness though.  Even before I got married, I was fascinated by the psychological relationship between husband and wife.  Being a naive and arrogant little girl, when I read books like Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus (for fun, yes, I’m a nerd), I thought, “Why don’t people just say what they’re feeling? Then they would both understand each other!!! It’s so simple.” Haha. Hahahahaha. Hahahahaaa.

There are delicate balances in a loving relationship, or a non-loving one.  There are so many fine lines that it feels more like a tight rope when having to express needs, wants, and emotions.  God forbid you overuse that word: f-e-e-l-i-n-g-s.

However, I’m proud to say that through hard work and application I’ve found the strength to be patient and found a man who in his limited-emotional male vocabulary, and has been patient with me as well.  Better said, we have been patient with the life we’ve been handed and managed to breakthrough to all the little surprises that life shoots at the fan and that all the poo that will continually be flying down on us just to keep us on our game.  Disease, unemployment, cars breaking down, Verizon rape bills…… I gotta give a round of applause for a man who deserves more than a break; and I appreciate him not breaking down on me like that damn Ford Focus he spent six months to pimp out for my anniversary gift.

He has proven to be made of that good tough material.  He still hasn’t learned to make me a gluten-free vegan meal to save his life, but he tucks me in when my body is swollen and takes out the cat poop for me. More so, he trusts that there’s still a little firecracker in me, even when I’m stuck on the couch.  My hero!

For all the other new brides out there, and by new I mean at least up to two years (so says one of my favorite books listed below), the “struggle” is normal no matter what difficulties arise.  Men are a different species and us wifeys have a hard time not swatting our men over their heads when times get tough or when inappropriate fart jokes are made.  But we must be patient for them.  We’re the ones who have to figure it out before they do because they’re not designed to read up or ask their girl friends for relationship advice.  Weepy and naggy women, no matter what how much we deserve to whine, can distance a man or make him recoil into passive aggressiveness, closing the door to certain intimacies.  We have to put our big girl thongs on and learn how to control the situation while making them think they’re the ones in control.  It takes developing a strong measure of common sense and sass, if we haven’t learned it already by the time we’re ball and chain’d.  We’re more scientifically gifted and versed in communication, so it’s our burden and privilege to set the tone, the mood, to let them feel relaxed enough to take the reins.

Men can reach their husband potential relatively quickly if we support their individual needs;  all throughout keeping ourselves together during our times of needs when they’re too stressed to cater to us.  They were not created to wait on our hand and foot to our every want, and even need.  As a matter of fact, we are their complement.  Some men will be very helpful while learning to love after the lust period, but it will not always come natural to them and we have to buck up during this process.  I will admit that some husbands can just turn out a dud altogether sometimes, but that’s a whole other story.  But personally, I think, the ones who are honestly committed,  deserve a wife who can make them feel just as safe and secure during rough times, as they can to us.

So, here’s what has helped me through times when we’re both stumped, tired, annoyed, stressed, you name it….

  • Prayers. I mean, heartfelt, all out, near-accusation-kneeling-supplications, to the Big Guy upstairs.
  • Good and Selective Advice.  Limited to family, and one or two blood-tight friends (don’t want to air business out to everyone), and wise/older/successful couples.  To them, I am forever grateful for their honesty.
  • It’s a Guy Thing – It’s next to my bed.  Looove this book.  A look into the feminine and masculine balance and why men have to scratch and burp while we wonder where our flowers are.
  • What No One Tells the Bride – This book, with collective realizations from different types of new brides, allows women to ease into the violent shock of living in a committed relationship with a penis carrier, especially the independent women.  It takes two years for the average woman to feel like a settled wife.  And we all fear becoming our mothers.  This alone will settle a girl.
  • Why Mars and Venus Collide – I read this one before getting married. The knowledge carried through to the big plummeting vows was priceless.  Out of all the Mars and Venus books, this one seemed most relevant in its insight into times of high stress.  An reasonable  look into why men and women can’t help the way they are and communicate, why it clashes even though its biologically designed to complement each other, and why modern stresses affect the natural balance.
  • Feeling Good – This book is not about marraige.  It’s actually about depression.  I never wanted to read it because at the time I did, I was not depressed.  But for anyone who is highly emotional and reactive, (which marriage can highlight this part of our psyche) this doctor can lead you into enlightenment about why we have certain emotional thoughts and  behaviors and how to find the root of controlling ourselves.  Knowing thyself.  The downside is that you can catch when everyone else is behaving irrationally too and you have to resist the urge of calling them out.  If we can command ourselves, we can deal with others better.
  • Holy Scriptures – Oh yes, I’m serious. And I don’t mean the Ephesians where we’re all told who we are to submit to and that’s that.  Proverbs 31:10-31.  It talks about the capable wife.  Every time I feel lazy, whimpish, resentful, or needy…I read this over and over and imagine a Middle-Eastern prowess of ancient times, taking care of business, and being honored by her hard working husband.  This woman is energetic, spiritual, a real go-getter, a community socialite, runs her house like a tight ship, earns the trust and respect of her husband by being proactive, and earns the praise of her God.  Highly inspirational and more motivating than any of the other books I have in my library.
Have I got it all figured out? I don’t think so.  There are many more obstacles and adventures to come before we croak and we’re released from our sacred vows.  However, when you start with hardship, but constantly come out winning from each test, I swear it only gets better.
If children are involved, please disregard everything I’ve said and please find another source on advice.  I know nothing about dynamics with little ones and I’m no where near ready to know or comment on.  I would dare to say keep the scriptures attached to your foreheads like the Jews used to do.

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Filed under Housewifing, Picture of Health, Post A Week, Random, Under the Weather

Extremely Moderate Home Makeover

This blog seems to have creeped into health topics more than actual housewifing.  My inflammation levels lately are not allowing for too many ambitious projects (to my dismay),  but there are projects in the works.

Matter of fact, before Husband is off again to save Florida, last night we made an executive decision to start fixing up our ‘fun’ room.  I insisted I build the medium bookcase from Walmart to start fixing up the spare room (which has been accumulating clutter for a year now, but lacking in the organizational items department).  It’s a plain ‘ol Mickey Mouse piece of furniture, but my collection of books and such have been sadly awaiting display from the dusty cardboard boxes they were originally moved in.  Newlyweds had to choose their next piece of furniture carefully if you need a new mattress, so we settled for a makeshift piece of wood.  We have pieces of art  musical instruments that are serving as shelves and laundry baskets that the cats have claimed possession of.

Pink toolkit

Yes, Husband actually bought me one of these! And I love it.

While he’s gone this week, my mission is to start purging any rat-pack items that are taking up space.  You know, the little pieces of junk that had sentimental value at the time you saved it, and later can’t figure out why in the name of Chelsea Clinton you thought it was special.  Pre-marital apparel that is irrelevant.  Correspondence that was too miscellaneous to file and somehow important enough to be saved.  Doo-hickeys ordered from the wedding registry that can only be explained by the drunken power of the shopping gun (pre-vow hysteria).  His valuable collection comics and action figurines.  An iron.  Ha, what is ironing?

I will do it as time and health allows, for there are many other things to keep up, such as the cooked meals from scratch I must prepare (no convenient food for this delicate flower, not even sandwiches), the boring laundry, the messy cats, the personal maintenance, the minuscule chores that add up to tidy house.  Actually,  so long as my health is on hold,  Husband made the suggestion that maybe we ought to hire a maid to help out every once in a while.  So this is love.

ON BEING OLD FASHIONED

Please understand, it is not my desire to hand over my duties to another woman.  I am Spanish and its in my blood to clean and cook for my man.  No illness can take that away from me.  But unlike many of the Spanish, I’m not prideful down to the core.  To have a clean and organized home is more important than pretending I can work full-time, deal with 24hr pain and exhaustion, maintain a sane identity, and still wear a genuine smile for when my guy comes back from toiling under the sun.  Many women are overworked, overstressed, and neglecting themselves, by having to take on multiple roles.  They manage it well and deserve praise, but they do not deserve the wear and tear that comes with it.  These are the times we live in and we must find ways to adapt.  I’d rather scrub my own  toilets and afford a new dress rather than have a Maria do it (Oh, don’t be so sensitive.  My mother was a maid for the wealthy in NY and her name is Maria), but  we’ll have to have reallocate some monies if and when this is will come into effect.  I appreciate His perceptiveness in the matter and that he offered it before it even occurred to me.  It don’t think it will be more than once or twice a month, but now I know I have the option with Husband having made it clear he understands that this one is out of my hands.

That being said, I am old-fashioned enough to believe the woman’s place is in the house or societal matters.  Power to stay-at-home moms and a certified housewives.  This is the way nature intended it.  The men go away to hunt, the woman nests, gathers, and takes care of the children/cats.  When the man comes home depleted and ready to regenerate, the woman is not cranky because she just got home from dealing with idiocy in the workplace, she is not losing her head from scrambling to make a pre-packaged dinner for the man, she is not to tired for bedroom-duty at nighttime, she has time to look nice for her man so he does not have to think of his wife as the wispy-haired, spoon-waving, sauce-covered-t-shirt, rambling madwoman that this society has made of women! (Note: I know there are women out there who handle this with grace, I don’t imply to total population of working women are at tipping point.  However, to those keeping up appearances, make sure your chi is not fried internally).

My point is that the stress levels are imbalanced because man has to help woman do chores and help with the kids’ homework when he should come home to relax after breaking his back all day.  Woman should have time to spend time raising and watching the younguns at playtime.  We should be balanced people because we are given the mental and physical capacity of carrying our family-roles adequately.

This is not just my personal opinion…if you’re curious as to why couples are constantly butting heads even in loving marriages, check out this shiny jewel. I’ve been reading about human and marital relationships since I was 19 and this one by far has rocked my world the most.  The science involved in balancing stress hormones and the way nature intended men and women to relate and compliment each other is mind-bending:

Click to link for excerpts

Many couples believe that they must sacrifice themselves and their needs in order to please their partner. But this attitude needs to be adjusted. Yes, compromise is required of every relationship – but you don’t make these changes and give up on yourself in the process. The art is in finding fair and reasonable compromises. John Gray introduces new ways to make this happen in a life filled with stress.

Men have traditionally been the breadwinners and women traditionally the managers of the home and children. But there is increased pressure in today’s society for women to work outside the home and thus there is a diminished pressure on men to be the sole provider. Women are expected to do so much in addition to their traditional roles, which have never been tweaked or redistributed, while they now work full-time jobs. Women have a never-ending to do list and stress is at an all-time high. Men are dealing with their own levels of stress. As a result, relationships become filled with misunderstandings, friction, and a sense of helplessness.

-John Gray, Ph. D

WELLNESS GOALS

As I was mentioning above, my goal this week is to maintain myself physically while improving the state of my home, treading delicately so that I don’t overdo it.  (Another note: last weeks 30 mins of moderate cardio plus 30 mins of Classical Stretch: no bueno.  My body is not ready, my muscles did not heal well from what should be non-strenuous exercise.  This week will alternate workouts daily rather than knock out two in one day, or skip if necessary).

I have to reinforce some health tips regarding nutrition, anti-inflammatory foods, and basic bodily upkeep.  I urge my friends and readers to try a few of these if you feel or look stressed and rundown.  For those who argue that you have no inflammatory problems, I believe you, but we do live in a country with a pro-inflammatory diet.  Without noticing, our bodies could be struggling too hard on their own for balance.   Help it be ready for the next time flu season comes around. (Also, incredibly helpful for those with asthma and allergies). It’s easy to forget, if I may speak for us all, but worth the reminders:

  • Drink a gallon of water a day – Already bought my purified water.  Lugging it around everywhere.  Moves the toxins faster, clears skin, lubricates all systems, basic life force, reduces the need to imbibe other caloric drinks, constant hydration diminishes chances of headaches.
  • Reduce sugar – Every other week, no sugars other than fruit.  No sweetened drinks.  Sugar encourages diseases such as inflammation-based ones, candida, and cancer.  I’m addicted to it like cocaine (even natural sugars) which is a subject for another day.  If you’re not ready to quit, and least cut out all refined sugar.  Look out for hidden sugars in breads, microwave dinners, pre-packaged foods.  After 50 grams of sugar a day, you’ve surpassed the allotted daily nutritional recommendations and it will begin to turn into fat if you’re not moderate to heavily active.
  • Green Tea – 2 to 3 times a day.  This is an anti-inflammatory and highly beneficial drink.  Thankfully, I was forced into quitting my coffee addiction.  Dropping this tasty daily or trice-a-day comfort is not for wimps in the Starbucks splattered world.  The truest hazard of coffee are refined and processed beans (information rather recent to me) which cause even more acidity, free-radical damage, and chemical changes in the body.  Pro-inflammatory.  Nothing wrong with caffeine in moderation and Green Tea is enough to get tiny jumps in the day without the overload.
  • Ginger Tea – Another anti-inflammatory gem.   An alkaline drink for an acidic world.  This one AND green tea combined do wonders for my swollen hands and feet.  Although the swelling is not always obvious (obvious being a purplish-red, rubbery, weak and impossible to slip out wedding ring), if your hands hurt immensely when you hit or bump them softly on surfaces, you might have internal inflammation.  The first time I truly came to understand how severe my inflammation was a time I dropped my keys on my sandal-covered feet and I had to sit down, cry, and wait for pain in my leg and head to stop.  It shouldn’t hurt that much.
  • Celery Juice Every Day – I swear by this alkalinic drink.  Every time I overdo it with the dairy or sugars.  Even with the amount of acidic tea that helps calm inflammation, balancing is still required.  I have recently started to add aloe vera in the blender.  Not only good for inflammation but for digestive aid, vitamins, minerals, enzymes, etc.  Click here for the ton of benefits from this spiky plant.  You can buy it in liquid form if you’re afraid of touching the goo.
  • NO GLUTEN. PERIOD.  – This one for all with food sensitivities and allergies.  The belly ache and anxiety is immediate!  I have gotten careless with this one, although much better.  It goes hand in hand with the sugar goal, because almost every gluten product has some form of sweetener added.  No more cookies and Starbucks bakery, no matter how stressed I get.   Food is not love – Monica from Friends. For those who know you have an unhealthy diet and wanna get on the ball, reducing your gluten (breads, pasta, baked goods) will help your body streamline digestion.  Might be worth looking into new grains that deserve our attention.  Well, they’re not new, but not common: quinoa, amaranth, millet, etc.
  • Vitamins and Supplements – Organically, we shouldn’t need to take a multivitamin or extra supplements.   We should be getting all our nutrients and minerals from local game and agriculture.  But we eat from supermarkets where everything is shipped from all over the world, not indigenous to our area, temperature, and atmosphere.  That little pyramid of food groups, not so balanced.  Therefore we end up lacking here and there in essential nutrients.  If you don’t have a diet full of fruits and veggies, a multivitamin shall cover the basics.  The fish oil will cover some other bases.  And depending on your personal needs, there is always Echinacea, milk thistle, calcium, magnesium, etc..  It’s good to find out where our deficiencies are and help them.  I ‘m going to stick to my vitamins like never before because I tend to forget them when I’m healthier.  If you need overall health and balance, look into Green Vibrance and the Magic Pill.

Before I had the correct diagnosis and my body was being ravaged by migraine medications (a misdiagnosis), the Magic Pill brought me back to almost full balance.  If it can work on an ill person, if you’re already close to healthy it may do wonders for you.  To healthier people, the difference may not be too obvious but it doesn’t mean it’s not working.  Green Vibrance has almost the same ingredients as the Magic Pill.  The difference is that is contains tons of vitamins, superfoods, active probiotics, and helps complete some veggie intake.  Shop around at bodybuilding.com, vitacost.com,  and dpsnutrition.com.  If your husband drinks a lot of protein shakes (or you), dpsnutrition has great deals for vitamins and the magic pill.

Those are just some mini-goals for now. Pay attention to what your body tells you.  It’s the best advice I’ve gotten as I’ve learned how to deal with my Wolfing around.

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Filed under Housewifing, Loopy Lupus, Picture of Health, Post A Week, Stimulating the Economy, Teensy Projects